


Now On Sale: Captain America Toast!

by Silveralm



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 14:07:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13905621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silveralm/pseuds/Silveralm
Summary: An entire fic about toast. Seriously.(I know, it's what we've always secretly wanted).





	Now On Sale: Captain America Toast!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mamitadolls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamitadolls/gifts).



> I'm not sure if every country has Nerf guns, but they're basically just toy guns with foam bullets.

“Okay, so…” Happy glanced down at his tablet and then up again at the trio in front of him, raising an eyebrow. “You ordered two _thousand_ loaves of bread?”

Spiderman gasped and turned accusingly to Deadpool, who in turn flung a finger at Stark. 

“Hey!” Tony spluttered. “It was _Deadpool_ , not me!”

Happy looked over at the trucks next to them, which had the Stark logo covering the sides. 

“... of course.”

\------

It all started a few days ago, oh so innocently. Tony was on a casual trip to the supermarket on the search for hotdogs. 

No, he didn’t usually buy hotdogs. In fact, he rarely ever went to the supermarket himself, but inspiration had struck whilst he was contemplating a hot dog he’d gotten from a street vendor. 

The smooth red skin, tomato sauce splattered on top - it reminded him of someone. Someone whose name may or may not rhyme with something like ‘bed-cool’. 

Even after he’d demolished it, the similarities had been too much for him to ignore. Which is why he was at the supermarket now, dressed up in the most inconspicuous clothes he could find; an old grandpa sweater paired with some librarian type glasses he had stolen from Happy. 

After all, he didn’t want Bed-cool recognising him. It would ruin the surprise. 

Maybe Tony was too focussed on the hotdogs. How does wanting some fake sausages end up with two thousand loaves of bread?

With a big American flag type sign declaring **‘CAPTAIN AMERICA EDITION BREAD’** , apparently. 

Tony would say it was hard to ignore, but he himself had spent five minutes on his mad search for hot dogs before he became aware of it. At first, he had thought _‘What next, Captain America underwear?’_ , and then, horribly, _‘Deadpool and Spiderman would love this.’_

Yes, Tony had been spending too much time with them recently. This may have helped speed up his 2.5 seconds of hesitation before he promptly decided _’fuck it’_ and dropped two loaves of bed into his shopping basket. He had beelined for the counter, wondering how long he would be able to hide them from the red pair. 

It wasn’t until much later that he realised he’d completely forgotten about the hot dogs. 

\-----

Jokes. Those were a thing, right? Something that Tony could do? That’s what he meant for the bread to be. Like most of the things he did now, actually. 

The first bite of the bread, crisp and freshly out of the toaster, made him change his mind. How could something so horrifically coloured taste so good?

(He still stuck by what he said after his first piece. The blue bits tasted the best - red and white could suck it.)

\------

In the first few hours, the bread was treated like any other bread. Yes, it was cool, but only in the ‘isn’t it fucking weird this is a thing that exists?’ way. Not in the ‘if you steal this bread from me I may be forced to murder you’ way - not yet, at least. 

By the time five hours passed, it was something they savoured.

At ten hours?

That was when the fights started.

\--------

Tony had managed to sneak a few slices out without much suspicion, approaching the fridge when no one else was there and stuffing them into his pockets. He had decided to start a stockpile after watching Deadpool wolf down three slices in less than thirty seconds. 

On his fourth trip back to the kitchen, he walked in on Spiderman stuffing bread down the neck of his suit. 

“It’s… This isn’t what it looks like!” Spiderman squeaked, hand still half way down his shirt and eyes wide like a child caught taking a handful of the chocolate cake. 

“ _BREAD!_ ” Deadpool tumbled into the kitchen with a squawk, snatching the bag out of Spiderman’s hand. He darted out of the room, cackling. 

Tony’s vision turned red. 

\------

“Stop in the name of the law!” Spiderman commanded, aiming his gun at Tony. He pulled the trigger. 

Tony watched as the foam projectile bounced harmlessly off his chest. “Is that a Nerf gun?”

\-------

Tony pinned Deadpool to the ground, pressing a water gun to his throat threateningly. 

“Give it to me,” Tony demanded. 

Deadpool opened up his mouth. Tony tugged the slightly soggy bread out and held it up with the cheer. 

“Take that, bitch,” he goaded. Deadpool just smiled at him, looking far too happy with his position. 

And he’d forgotten about the piece Deadpool had hidden in his back pocket.

\-----

This was it. 

The absolute _last_ piece of Captain America Edition toast in the entire building. There wasn't any others left.

Tony ran a hand across it's smooth(and slightly stale) surface, gazing at it in awe. With care, he lifted it out of the false bottom of his desk drawer. 

Wow. He could hardly believe he had the last piece. He'd been sure that Spiderman would hold out the longest, that man could stockpile like a squirrel at the beginning of winter. 

"Is that..?" a voice began to ask. Tony looked up to see Spiderman standing in the doorway, eyes locked onto the toast. 

"No," Tony answered without thought, drawing the bread protectively to his chest. He glared at Spiderman. "No. It's _mine._ "

Spiderman lifted his hand and Tony tumbled backward out of his chair, onto the floor. Web shot where Tony had been seconds before. 

"Go away!" Tony commanded, eyes darting between Spiderman and his piece of toast. When the Spider kept approaching, he held up the piece and announced, “If you don’t stop right now, I’ll eat this _plain_!”

A horrified gasp echoed through the room. Strangely, it came from behind Tony instead of in front of him. 

“Deadpool?” Spiderman questioned. Tony twisted back to see Deadpool hovering over his shoulder. 

He did what any reasonable man would do - scream like he was being murdered and deliver a swift kick to Deadpool’s ankle. 

The mercenary fell to the ground with a whine, upper body flopping across Tony’s legs. Tony carefully held the toast away from him. “ _Tones_ , that hurt.”

“Ouchie,” Spiderman sympathised. He went to step forward, but Tony gave him a warning glare. 

“If you don’t get off me in two seconds, this bread is disappearing into my stomach,” Tony growled. 

“That’s alright,” Deadpool mumbled, wriggling further onto Tony’s lap. “It’ll probably taste better if you toast it.”

Tony’s eyes narrowed. “You aren’t fooling me, I know you’ll steal it the _second_ it comes out of the toaster.”

“I won’t,” Deadpool replied, sounding strangely honest. “I promise.”

“Pinky promise?” Tony questioned, holding out his hand. It was Deadpool’s weakness - he could never betray a pinky promise. 

Surprisingly, Deadpool hooked their fingers together without hesitation. “I promise I won’t steal the bread in your hand.”

“... wait -” Tony began. 

“But!” Deadpool interrupted quickly. “I will steal all the bread I bought with your card. Thanks.”

“... I thought I put my card in my safe,” Tony said. 

“Happy has a document with all of your passwords,” Spiderman informed. “He has a really bad memory.”

“... ah.”

“So… Deadpool...” Spiderman sidled over, a smile slipping onto his face. 

“Just take it,” Tony said, waving his hand uselessly. “Knowing Deadpool, we’ve probably got enough to last us a few days.”

\--------

Tony stepped into the truck, gazing up at the towering stacks of bread packed into it. 

“Wow, you were so wrong,” Spiderman commented, patting his friend on the back comfortingly. “This is going to last us for _weeks_.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that this isn't that great, I've had it sitting around in my drafts for a while and I finally gave up and finished it. Hopefully there was still _some_ funny stuff in there, somewhere. 
> 
> To Mamitadolls, I hope you get time to read this! You're so cool and your comments never fail to make me smile. I thought you deserved a gift because of your awesomeness. :D
> 
> <3
> 
> (Sidenote: if anyone has any prompts or ideas about this trio, it would really help me out if you could share them with me. I love these guys but I often struggle with deciding on what I want to write about them. Anything would be awesome!)


End file.
